Self Re.Gaurd (excerpt)
I hide my inhibitions in the encouragements of people
Who secretly suffer from the same bouts of self-doubt
I work on increasing my value of self through
Increases in my mental wealth with
Mental health I vow to vaccinate of the worries
That cause me to question abilities of self that allow me to
Be me...
Mirror reflections reveal imperfections that I refuse to no longer deny
Shattering these mirrors' glasses
Breaking this false image I used to sing for the masses
In search of approval through the power of fitting in
Like circular pegs forced into squared holes
A simple equation of self truth since youth
Knowing who I am yet still forcing self to deny
From this point forward
I am being me
No longer allowing self-conviction
To take a back seat to the contradictions
Of things like
Material possestions
Inhibiting personal social progression
That cause mental reflections
That begin with questions
That begin with three letter words with one syllable
And sounds like the letter Y
Intro.spect
When the contractions are coming less than thirty seconds apart then that means the delivery is imminent and a birth has reached is cusp.
My introspection has been contracting in my mind with the frequency of a woman about to reach 13 centimeters. This forces me to conclude that I am on the verge of giving birth to something. I do not know what that something is so take comfort in knowing the rest of this text that provides the framework for this blog will not be about what this birth may be. Instead the focus will be on the aforementioned introspection.
My memories and thoughts tend to dissipate once I get think past the age of two. At that point I only have flashes of systematic occurrences. However, I am able to remember my introspection beginning around the time I was four years of age. I remember reading an old book that my father had stashed. The book is titled "No Man Is An Island." While I can not remember the book in its entirety do to my youth. I do remember the crux of the book being about understanding the relationship that we must have with ourselves.
As a four year trying to read, comprehend and assimilate psychology is not a simple task. So as most four year olds would do I simply looked for pictures. When that did not work I asked mommy. She gave me the standard "busy parent" answer. "You will better understand it when you are older," said Gloria.
Enter introspection beginnings. That was not enough for me. I still have not figured out why that was not enough for me but, it simply was not enough. So I read the book multiple times until I began to understand. There was only one thing that I understood until I matured or as mommy said, "got a little older." This one things was, those who spend time thinking things through to the fullest generally have a better understanding of self and an appreciation of their desire to see beyond the words. Translation: Those who truly analyze their surroundings will generally know themselves better and know how to find clarity in moments of turmoil.
This from a four year old. Many of us fear our thoughts and hide from them in the mindlessness of the world. I feel fortunate that I chose to embrace my thoughts and embrace monikers like "weird," "strange" or "different." Intro.spection it only means thinking of self.
Gender on my Roll
We all play rolls in the academy of life. Many of us should be awarded for these roles because we play them better than any member of a screen actor’s guild. In many respects life itself is simply one large cast and we all do our part to keep the show progressing for the audience, who also is fulfilling a double role of simultaneously being entertained and providing entertainment.
In plays if an actor forgets their line or refuses to play a role in the midst of a production then what would happen? Everyone else’s role would change and the entire production itself would become something different. Less rehearsed and more extemporaneous.
What if someone were to do this in real life?
What if the woman were to break her socialized accepted gender role of taking the backseat? What if people of different ethnicities began to embrace the typified role of another group? What someone changed the role of what a parent should be and decided to teach their child true history debunking the traditional role of accepting Americanized history? Does this mean the entire production of life would become different?
Perhaps one should seek to find out. Often many people are not content with the roles that they play in their life. However, these same malcontented individuals do not do anything to change their role. They continue to plod through life at a methodical pace waiting for someone or something to come along and change things for them. Some people play their role so well that they receive a new and better part in this giant cast of life but, the harsh reality is most people do not get this break. This portion of humanity is the percentage that this text is lamenting to.
We have the power to play a different part. We simply have to exercise that power. The best way to do this is by simply studying and learning the part that we want to play. Become an understudy of sorts and when the opportunity presents itself to assume that role. Take it!
Peace
Haiku
With no lines to trace
I draw my new future and
Then erase my past
Up.grade.A.bull
There is this new Beyonce joint that is growing in popularity amongst some females that I know. In this song she is lamenting about how she can upgrade her man through the use of physical possessions. She refers to this as an upgrade. I do not make a habit of listening to or entertaining Beyonce and forgive my arrogance but, quite frankly her music is beneath my level of musical cognizance. However, this song aided in sparking a flame that is now burning within me.
I have decided to do an upgrade in my perspective on women. That is correct I am upgrading my standards concerning the feminine persuasion. I am not the most physically attractive guy in the world (wink) but, I have been fortunate enough to meet some attractive women. Some I have dated, some I kept things platonic and yes some I kept things physical (past that stage). However, these so called attractive women have been merely that. Attractive. Almost like a shell or an empty shoe box wrapped in beautiful wrapping paper. Once it is opened one realizes that there was never anything there.
On the counter side of this equation I have also made the acquiescence of several "average" (quotes used to denote term as being heavily subjective and opinionated) looking women. Typically I kept things at a strictly platonic level because of things like ego and socialized notions of what beauty in a woman is supposed to be. This is where the anticipated dilemma of this blog unmasks itself. Lean in closely because everyone does not need to know this. The "average" women have had spectacular personalities.
Okay I am sure that comes as no surprise. That is a stereotype that is replayed repeatedly in our society. However, for someone like me this notion was foreign until recently. I realized this secret that the world was hiding from me in the contents of empty boxes wrapped in beautiful paper was one that I should have excepted a long time ago. Damn maturity is something else.
So now I am making a choice. This choice is to upgrade. I am upgrading from the Shallow Hal.is.him I have fell victim to. From this point forward I am making an effort to fully appreciate women of all types. This includes women that would not have been on my radar in the past. I want a dime of the mind not just of the flesh.
Peace
Focused Revival
Pardon me as I snicker at the title of this particular blog. Unless one is blind or illiterate (In which case you would not be reading this either) it is obviously titled "Focused Revival." It is symbolic of my literary revival. I did something. Actually, I accomplished something that I am quite proud of. However, before I can reveal what that something is I am compelled to preface it by explaining why I took my three month hiatus from my blog.
My focus was missing. In fact my focus had slipped so subtly and gradually that I had not even noticed it until I was approached by a friend. This friend who hosts one of my favorite poetry venues asked me why I had not written anything yet I called myself a writer. My response was simply: "I have been too busy." She then had a rebuttal that forced me to think. She said, "You have been too busy to do what you claim to love the most." I had no response. At that point I decided that a shift in focus was necessary if I was to be what I so vigorously claim to be, a writer. Fast-forward to the purpose of that snippet of information.
I shut it down. I shut everything that I deemed to be a distraction. These things included unhealthy relationships, poor time management, message boards and my blog. Yes even my blog. I always saw this blog as an outlet to express myself. However, I learned that it was taking a small portion of my focus from my other literature. I learned how to focus better and I finished a poetry anthology that I co-authored with the aforementioned friend. It is complete. I can not believe that your man will actually finally see his name on the front of a book. I know it is not my novel which will be in a forthcoming blog but, it was still an arduous process that I was instrumental in. I revived my focus.
J.U.D.G.E.
My frustrations get the best of me
When I'm walking alone
My mental in a zone of corner stores near my home
Pumping 3 dollars a gallon gas and waiting at red lights
In 95 degree weather
While fighting not to turn my AC on
But then I spot him in my peripherals like multiple images of blurred vision
He moves towards me with a third eye a social vagabond but,
Before he even opens his lips I already have my words formed like
Premeditated murder
I am thinking how to tell him that
I simply have no money to contribute to him today
After all I do have bills to pay
And I get up everyday and work like a corporate forced slave
So why can’t he do the same
But he looks me in the eyes tells me brotha
Allow me a minute to simply tell you why I am this way
He proceeded to give me the synopsis of society’s sin.is.him
He told me young blood
You are what my kind calls a judge
A J-U-D-G-E
Because you Judge Under a Discriminatory Gained Economy
Then you use these same judgments to formulate false notions about me
And I know what you’re thinking
How can a person be homeless if they are physically able to do manual labor?
Well young blood I never did manual because I couldn’t learn to drive a stick
Rather as a youth I pushed an automatic whip
Whose lashings kept me from changing gears until I lost my transmission
That means no one could hear me and I was stuck in place
I tried to find an occupation but, when you’re homeless with no water
How can you wash your face?
That’s a metaphor for my dirty skin
Meaning if I try to clean myself up society’s views will still view me the same
And in their eyes now I am dirty again
Government programs pass false information to the masses
Giving the appearance that they are here to assist me
When truthfully I have a whole heart yet they try to stick me in a half way home
Leaving me half way alone
Speaking to me in a half way tone
With a half way crooked cop patrolling my block making half way stops telling me to move halfway along
Yet you still subconsciously judge me
Like media entities who
Show interest in me
Peddling false sympathy
Two days annually
Christmas and Thanksgiving occasionally
Feeding me stuffing and turkey
Then showing it on the evening news
Like look we fed the homeless that means we really care for humanity
Yet you still subconsciously judge me
Like I can’t give him money because he has goals of spending it on an alcoholic beverage
Using that as an excuse of mental leverage
To hide the true fact that as people we are naturally selfish
And that is okay but,
Let me put it in perspective
You don’t give to the homeless with the idea of
Where your contribution is going to be sent
Rather you give to extend helping hand to a fellow man and
Hope that the gift is well spent
Like heaven sent cents
Since dollars and cents
Make most sense to most people these days
But young blood…
Look at it this way…
While most of you judge me and roll up your windows at intersections
Check your pocketbook and you see
There is not much difference in our frame of reference because
You too are almost homeless
You are just two paychecks and or one natural disaster away
